Post Cleanse Flare Up….

I completed the cleanse. The very next day I woke up with tonsillitis.

I know cleanses bring up old illnesses and trigger weak points, for me this has been my throat since I was very young. It was a bout of tonsillitis which brought on my first flare up, the streptococcal virus is a common trigger for psoriasis. Cleanses allow your body the energy to focus on weak areas that are usually left dormant when most energy is being used for the digestive process. Whatever the reason, after the most difficult cleanse I have ever done I got tonsillitis and am now in the middle of the biggest flare up I have had in 7 years.

Let’s look at positives before the irony of the situation sends me into a fit of hysterical laughter and gut wrenching sobs permeated with howls of ‘It’s not fair’ and ‘Why meeeeee?’ and  my eventual incarceration for the safety of myself and the general public.

Positive Number 1: I have a sense of humour. Sometimes all you can do is laugh. Even if it is a very small, wry one.

Positive Number 2: I know much more than I did before. In terms of controlling a flare up I have so much more knowledge than I did the last time it was like this. General knowledge and most importantly, what works for me.

Positive Number 3: I can handle the stares, and know they are much fewer than your mind will imagine. In the first few years after being diagnosed I avoided, as much as possible, putting myself in situations with anyone I didn’t know. I was depressed. My psoriasis controlled my life. Now, when people look (and often they aren’t subtle) it doesn’t hurt me like it used to. I accept it as curiosity or ignorance and try to find the positives from any situation.

I don’t want my list of positives to fool anyone, least of all me. I’m finding it hard. Sometimes the laughter does stick in my throat as a sob. But I’m dealing with it. I’m controlling my diet, I’m exercising, I’m doing yoga, I’m meditating. I’m trying not to give it too much space in my thoughts, and most importantly I’m trying not to take it all so seriously. Every night I tape on my white cotton gloves to stop me scratching in my sleep and I have a little laugh to myself, because that, at least, is pretty funny.

Day 11 of 14

Today has been a good day! Hooray!
I had energy! I exercised! I went out for the day and I wasn’t in a detox cleanse bubble where communication is virtually impossible.

4 days to go. My skin isn’t itchy but it’s no better. My coach assures me the cleanse is working on my digestion. I know It’s all linked but it would make it easier if the first results were external ones.

A life without psoriasis

Warning. What I am about to write is going to sound crazy.

Sometimes I think about my life without psoriasis and I think….would I miss it?? Don’t get me wrong, if it were cured for everyone it would be ‘goodbye and good riddance’, but just me, psoriasis free?

Whenever your skin improves it’s like you instantly forget how it was before.

What if I forgot how it was to have it?
What if I stopped wanting to help others? What if I became a vain, shallow version of myself? What if I met a boy and worried that he didn’t really like me for me?

As much as I have struggled, the person I am today has been shaped by my experiences and my psoriasis has at times shaped those.

My psoriasis has made me more aware of the person I am, of other people’s struggles and of the person I want to be.

So a life without psoriasis? I reckon that would take some getting used to.

Waking up to survey the damage

Today I was trying to imagine how people without psoriasis feel when they wake up. What’s the first thing they think of? How do they feel?

From the moment I wake; I have roughly two seconds in which I don’t feel anything other than the disorientated grogginess of sleep. Then my skin wakes up. I can feel every single patch of psoriasis prickling to life. Simultaneously my mind fights a feeling of foreboding and tries to focus on the sensations in every patch. What have I done in the night? What’s the damage?

I lift the covers and always check my knees first. We could have a good day and they look flat and beautiful. I’ll be straight up and out of my bed, happy, safe in the knowledge this is going to be a good day.
Alternatively, I could be faced with an angry mess of raised skin and blood. In this case I have a look at my fingernails….double checking it was definitely me who did it. Then I hit snooze; I’ll need a little more energy for this day.

Mud.

I found myself enticed into a Dead Sea minerals shop yesterday….l’ll admit it was the beautiful man outside the door clutching a spoonful of salt rather than any actual interest in the products. However, once inside I started paying attention.

Firstly, he knew straight away that I have psoriasis and this instantly put him in the good books. Often I feel an overwhelming urge to hug anyone who says ‘Is that psoriasis?’.

Secondly, the beautiful man ran off to get a better product for my sensitive skin and then proceeded to cover my hand in it in a way I can only describe as lovingly. There aren’t many times I see the silver lining to having psoriasis so I’m going to count this one.

I left the shop clutching a packet of mud with a vague feeling of having been bamboozled by the salesman’s beauty. Then a wonderful thing happened…..my skin isn’t so itchy. I’ve covered myself in mud twice now and I have a feeling that I might go to sleep tonight and not wake up 8 times to the sound of me grating my own skin off with my fingernails.

I’m looking forward to waking up to find out. If I can just get rid of the itch I might stop feeling like I’m going insane. I might be able to concentrate on something for longer than ten minutes between my routine skin checks. I might just go back and hug that beautiful man.

National Psoriasis Week

As we grow older and wiser, grow up and look back I think we all wish we could give our younger selves some advice. ‘Don’t take it all so seriously’, ‘love yourself’, ‘enjoy every moment’.

I’ve never wished this more so than today when I found a diary from ten years ago.

‘I’m trying so hard to stay happy, but I look at my skin and I feel sick. I make myself feel sick.
Every time I dress I breathe in and think, one more day you have to get through. Don’t let it affect what you choose. And sometimes it doesn’t; but I’m aware the whole day that people can see.
That I’m not normal. That it’s horrible and disgusting and ugly.
I need this to go, please, please, take the itch at least. Let me sleep.
I force myself to do normal things, prove I can do it. Be strong. Always strong.
I tell myself it doesn’t affect anyone but me but I know it’s not true. If you could choose between a girl with beautiful, normal skin, or the ugliness I’ve got….it’s obvious.
So I don’t understand why anyone would like me, unless they haven’t seen it properly.
It’s disgusting, I’m disgusting. Please. Please. Take it away.
Or at least let me sleep.’

I can’t go back. I can’t give that girl advice, I can’t give her a hug, I can’t tell her she’s beautiful.

I can try and ensure even one other person never feels like that. So this National Psoriasis week, let’s get the word out there. Because awareness means progress, it means we don’t have to feel alone, it means we can give a younger version of us advice and support.

‘You are not alone.’
‘Millions of people understand.’
‘You. Are. Beautiful.’

Psoriasis doesn’t discriminate…

Psoriasis doesn’t discriminate….

This sentence is probably a bit misleading….when I say ‘psoriasis doesn’t discriminate’, I don’t mean in terms of people, but situations.

As a psoriasis ‘sufferer’, ‘battler’…goddamn trooper, I appreciate that my personality type is prone to this type of ailment. The majority of people I meet comment on my calm demeanour. I’m not in fact a very calm person, internally. Perhaps because I am such a nervous person I know instinctively how to put others at ease. The reality is I worry and fret and tie myself in knots over seemingly minor things.

If this were the only reason I had flare ups I think I could deal with my psoriasis better. The truth is it’s not just negative emotion and worry that trigger my skin to combust. It’s good emotions too! Excitement, anticipation and even excessive happiness seems to lead to a psoriasis flare up on par with one triggered by a negative emotion.

This just doesn’t sit right with me. Should I try to stay calm? Really concentrate my efforts on reaching a plateau of emotion I’m happy to stay on? Or should I just live my life; manage my skin as best I can, and rejoice in the flare ups caused by the extremes of positive emotion…..because as far as I can tell we only get one chance to really, really enjoy it. Psoriasis or no psoriasis.

Skin update….

The 6 weeks of radio silence on my blog indicates either my skin is really bad and I’m on a self inflicted lockdown, or it’s really good and I’m wandering around semi naked smiling constantly and flashing my elbows sporadically.

Happily the second scenario is closest to my reality. As I write this I’m on holiday in Bali and my skin is loving life as much as I am. The diet, creams and sunshine are the magical combination and my skin looks the best it has in years. Aaaaaand my face is clear!!

Happy happy happy.

It’s like eczema

‘It’s like eczema’

I find myself saying this every time I have to explain my psoriasis to someone. Everyone has heard of it, unlike psoriasis, so it’s just easier.
Every time I think ‘This time I’m not saying it. I’ll explain psoriasis better, I’ll talk about overproduction of skin and the silent p in the spelling in case they want to look it up!’ Then I find the words tumbling out of my mouth after a complete mind blank and brief panic.

These words explain everything I desperately need to say, quickly, without embarrassment. ‘It’s not contagious. Millions of people have it. I’m not the only one.’

Dating dilemma

This is exactly the predicament I find myself in now. I met someone when I felt happy and confident and beautiful. Then came the flare up from hell and the decision to go the natural route. I had plenty of time until I would see him again and was confident by then I would have it all under control. The reality has been a much slower process than I imagined and I now have one week. The psoriasis is all over me, and even where it has cleared there is a speckled mess of white spots on tanned skin. Surprisingly this isn’t the biggest issue for me. I feel different. I can’t look in the mirror without my eyes stinging with tears. I’m angry with myself for being vain and I’m angry with my body for looking the way it does.

The two versions of me couldn’t be more different. The happy, bubbly, fun girl with her carefree outlook and clear skin. I know I can fake being that girl, I do it everyday when my skin is bad. But, I’m tired. Tired of being frustrated, tired of going out and pretending it doesn’t matter, tired of being positive, tired of talking about diet and fish oils and naturopaths. And above all I’m tired of letting more people into my life I have to fake it for.